Still excited, Stephon?

Stephon Marbury, the alleged point guard of the New York Knicks, finally showed a little optimism. We got to see him smile and display a little confidence in his team instead of what we’ve grown used to over the last few months: threatening to bribe his coach, abandoning his teammates on a road trip and selling really cheap basketball shoes that make your assist to turnover ratio plummit and don’t allow you to shoot over 30 percent from three when you wear them. No, we finally caught Stephon in a YouTube video in a good mood, ready to play solid basketball. But there’s a catch. The YouTube video was filmed last off-season, after Marbury learned that the Knicks had signed the coveted young big-man Zach Randolph from the Blazers, who by the way has a bad attitude, is a basket case and is highly overrated. Despite that, Marbury was thrilled to have the Big Pudding Cup on his team (did you like that one? We made it up on the spot. Can’t you see Randolph taking Bill Cosby’s place in Jell-O commercials?). Here’s what he said (keep in mind that as he’

s speaking he has a confused grin on his face and he is yelling at cameras and at the crowd that surrounds him like an infant who woke up to early from a nap, but was happy to find that Teletubbies was on).

“Did ya’ll see? Did ya’ll see we got Zach Randolph?  Did anybody see that? Now we got a beast to throw the ball down low to. They scared now! We got Zach Randolph and Eddie Curry! We got Eddie Curry on one side and we got a left hand, southpaw, switch it up, think he’s goin’ shoot right, but he switch it left [on the other side]. You can’t beat that. It was a power move, we got a young, youthier player with the young Zach Randolph.”

 

Everyone collect their breath. We’re going to need to break this down line by line. “Now we got a beast to throw the ball down low to, they scared now!”

What a beast, a beast that shoots 45 percent from the floor. Yikes, put away those scary claws and fangs Mr. Randolph, we bow down to your monstrous post play.

“We got Zach Randolph and Eddie Curry!” That is one of the most horrifying lines ever uttered in the English language. It’s like being excited that Ted Kaczynski and Timothy McVeigh are coming to your fourth of July party; it just doesn’t make sense. Stephon seemed pretty thrilled when he said it, but just hearing that quote will make it hard for us to sleep tonight. We will have nightmares of a seemingly 400-pound Curry trying to get back downcourt on defense while eating an entire box of doughnuts and we will sweat in our sleep when hear the ear-rattling sound of ball after ball after ball banging off the rim. Curry’s numbers this year are equally as scary, the 4^th overall pick in 2001 is averaging 13 points (ahhh!) 4 rebounds (yikes!) and .5 blocks (zoinks!) per game. “We got Eddie Curry on one side and a left hand, southpaw, switch it up, think he’s goin’ shoot right, but he switch to the left [on the other side].” How many ways can you call someone left-handed? As he said it one of his posse members patted him on the shoulder and offered the occasional (yee!), as if to say “that’s right Stephon, he is left handed, you keep tellin’ everyone how left-handed he is, and I’ll keep standing behind you and saying ‘yee!’ and taking advantage of all of your money and friendship, eventually pulling you back to the streets you fought so hard to escape, yee.” His posse member said so much by saying so little. And Stephon, I don’t think Randolph was going to confuse any NBA players with the sly use his left hand. We’re pretty sure they may have scouts in the league that would have figured that out by now, just a thought. “You can’t beat that.” Well, Stephon, it seems you can “beat that,” the Knicks are 18-39, plenty of people have “beat that.” And finally, our favorite, “We got a young, youthier player.” “Youthier?”

Did Stephen Colbert invent a new word without us knowing about it? How did it get under our noses? Does this mean that Marbury watches the Colbert report and is interested in politics? Likely, no. It seems Marbury was the one that invented the word here. And judging by the glaze over his eyes and the relaxed look of his posse, it seems some of his favorite herbs may have helped get his creative juices flowing. 

Making it personal

Most people would look at a fifth and sixth grade girl’s basketball game as a bunch of young kids aimlessly running around a basketball court, getting some exercise, and having fun. Well, apparently one man in Oregon sees it differently. When the coach disagreed with a 17-year-old referee’s call in his 12-year-old daughter’s game, he decided this was a high crime against humanity that called for a physical response. After continuously berating the teenage referee, the coach was whistled for a technical foul. He then walked over to the scorer’s table and proceeded to slam his clipboard on the hand of a student scorekeeper. Another technical foul was assessed, resulting in his ejection from the game.After his ejection, he refused to leave, and instead stood in a corner and continued to shout obscenities at the referee. After the game was over, parents and fans from both teams swarmed the court and yelled at each out. At this time, the coach was seen grabbing the young referee, cocking his fist, and using vulgar language.By the end of the whole situation, most of the girls were left crying and fleeing the scene with their parents. Well, I guess we know what Bobby Knight’s been up to since leaving Texas Tech. 

Did he just blow out a candle?

Highlights from the slam dunk competition at the New Orleans All-Star Game. Behold.

Sir Charles for Governor

1. A wise political move?

It has been long rumored that Charles Barkley plans on running for governor of Alabama. He made it official last weekend in an interview with CNN’s very own self absorbed pundit (no, not Anderson Cooper, no, not Nancy Grace) Wolf Blitzer (Is that his porn name? There’s no way that’s his real name. Did he used to hang out with Vin Diesel and Carmen Electra?). In the interview Barkley declared that he would run for governor of the state where he was born.

There may be a slight problem with the timing of Barkley’s announcement. Alabama has been a red state for roughly 1,000 years, and generally where you see red states you see church steeples. Well, Barkley may have forgotten that fact when he made these comments to Blitzer:
“Everytime I hear the word conservative it makes me sick to my stomach because they’re really just fake Christians as I call them, that’s all they are…They want to be judge and jury, I’m for gay marriage, it’s none of my business if gay people want to get married, I’m pro-choice and I think these Christians say they aren’s supposed to judge other people, but they’re the most hypocritical judes of people that we have in this country. And it bugs the hell out of me that they act like they’re Christians and they’re not forgiving at all…They should read the part of the Bible where it says you don’t judge other people, they forget that one when it doesn’t fit what they want to say.”

Phew…

Depends on your definition of “is HGH.”

1. Mr. Clemens goes to Washington

CSPAN finally got a much needed boost in the ratings on Wednesday as Roger Clemens and his third ear appeared before some members of Congress desperate for face time. To Clemens’ right sat Brian McNamee, his former trainer and friend who was the first to bring Roger Clemens’ name into the steroids arena with his comments in the infamous Mitchell Report. We won’t fill you in on all of the details of the event, given that the hearing took about a day and a half and that ESPN will show more replays of it than that Doug Flutie Hail Mary in 1985 (we’re so sick of that f***ing play, we’ve seen it around 235,672 times. It’s just a short guy throwing a ball really far. We’ve called our cable provider and asked them to remove ESPN Classic from our list of channels).

So, needless to say, if you’re a sports fan, you will be able to quote the Clemens hearing as if it were the pledge of allegiance after a month or so of regular ESPN viewership. But, nonetheless, here are some of the highlights:

ESPN’s Holy War

1. God vs. ESPN

In one corner we have the “Worldwide Leader in Sports.” (What does ESPN sand for anyways? “Existential Sports Programming Network?”)

In the other corner we have The Christian Defense Coalition (also known as the U.S. military) What has led us to this epic battle of an entity with a religious following squaring off with some angry Christians? Let’s recap.

It all began a few weeks ago when ESPN’s Dana Jacobsen turned up a bottle of Belvedere vodka and cursed — out of all the people in history — Jesus, at the roast of Mike and Mike, saying “F— Jesus.” Upon hearing what Jacobsen said, one Emory Wheel sports editor offered this concise, yet poignant, comment: “That’s a little inflammatory.”

Inflammatory indeed, Emily.

Dana, really? Jesus? It’s okay to curse people out at a roast, it’s how the likes of Eddie Griffin and Colin Quinn can afford put food on their table and cocaine in their noses, but it’s a good idea to stay away from cursing out religious figures.

Beyond Jacobsen’s little verbal slip up, three videos of Chris Berman have hit the Internet. Let’s just say he’s not the cuddly old Boomer in these tapes, letting loose a barrage of expletives at the poor interns that try to feed the teleprompter and keep the show going. Amongst his choice words were repeated uses of “Jesus Christ!” and everyone’s favorite, “Goddamn!”

Thus begins the battle of Stuart Scott vs. Apostle Paul. The battle of Kenny Mayne against… Well, no one would fight Kenny Mayne, he’s just too damn funny to punch. Actually, no Apostles are showing up at ESPN’s headquarters in Bristol. Jesus’ pals have sent a few members of their crew to protest outside ESPN’s headquarters, we can only hope Chris Berman doesn’t run over them with his car.

We’ve got our money on ESPN. In recent years we think it’s safe to say they’ve gained a little more sway over most people’s minds than any deity. Imagine if ESPN vanished, it would be utter anarchy. We’d all be stuck watching the “Best Damn Sports Show Period.”

John Salley and Co. would inadvertently trigger World War III within weeks.

Shaq Under the Sun

1. Shaq on the move

In one of the biggest surprises in NBA trade history, (other than the time the Hawks traded Dream Team member Steve Smith for Isaiah Rider, his guns and his drugs) the Phoenix Suns sent Shawn Marion to Miami for the artist formerly known as Shaq, or The Big Aristotle, or Kazaam, or Shaq-Fu, or the guy who does the Icy Hot back patch commercials, but they use a body double for the close-ups, or Shaquille O’Neal, whichever suits your fancy (Shaq needs to let Steve Nash borrow one of those Icy Hot patches for his bad back).

Shaq Diesel is moving to his fourth team in his career. He has bounced from Orlando to Los Angeles to Miami and now to that big city in the middle of the desert (no, the one without the gambling). Apparently Shaq is averse to cold temperatures and will not venture north of the Mason-Dixon line for any reason. Perhaps they don’t make mittens and earmuffs in his size. If he wore a scarf, how long would it have to be?

Enough of this pointless weather analysis, let’s get to the real meat of the trade.

The Curse of the Red Hoodie

Years from now, Super Bowl XLII will be remembered not for the Giants’ huge upset over the 18-0 Patriots, not for the play in the fourth quarter in which Eli Manning transformed into Donovan McNabb, evaded three Patriots defenders (all of whom had their hands on him) then launched a perfect spiral downfield to David Tyree (David Tyree? Who?) who caught the ball on top of his head as he was falling backwards and wrestled the ball away from HGH monster Rodney Harrison (We think there was divine intervention on that play — and by divine we mean Peyton Manning intervened).

It won’t be remembered for Plaxico Burress catching a beautifully thrown fade in the back corner of the endzone, or the look on Michael Strahan’s face when he realized he finally got a ring after a stellar 16 year career (and then he almost made out with a terrified Tom Coughlin). No, it will be remembered for New England’s brilliant coach’s fatal mistake. The mistake wasn’t made when evil genius Bill Belichick opted to go for it on 4th and 13 on the 30 instead of kicking a fairly easy 47 yard field goal indoors (Belichick may loose his genius tag after that one, really, Bill, we wouldn’t even go for it in that situation if we were playing Madden, even if it was only on all-pro).

The fatal mistake was, of course, Belichick’s decision to sport a bright red hoodie to the game. All season Belichick wore a grey hoodie, and once or twice was spotted in a navy collared shirt. Either way, the colors were drab, he didn’t call attention to himself and he looked downright scary. His kids probably run and hide when he gets home from games. His usual attire matched his mortuary-worker-esque scowl that never leaves his face. In the Super-Bowl, however, the bright red hoodie made him stick out like a sore thumb. He looked more like an awkward middle schooler than Eli Manning, which is quite an accomplishment. In Eli’s post game interview he looked like he had just won his school’s rock paper scissors tournament. Belichick glowed like a pissed off candle in his red and khaki getup. It was one of the biggest gaffes in NFL coaching history. They’re holding a red hoodie bonfire next week in Boston.

Tiger Warning, Marriage Proposals and Boomer Goes Crazy

1. Mr. Perfect vs. Mr. Potato Head
Over the last two weeks, the media has descended upon Arizona for some major sporting event that’s going to be played there this Sunday. We hear it will be super (pun unquestionably intended). All week, the only question the media can seem to ask Patriots dreamy quarterback Tom Brady is, “Why are you so perfect at everything?” (Except of course for the one woman, who wore a wedding dress to a press conference and asked Tom to marry her). Wow, some guys just have it made. The last time a strange woman asked us to marry her it wasn’t because we were perfect like Tom Terrific. No, she asked because she wanted to escape harsh living conditions in Thailand, but that’s another story for another day.

Conversely, Tom’s counterpart on the Giants Peyt…we mean Eli Manning, has essentially been asked a different question by the media: “How the hell did you get here?” Manning certainly hasn’t received any marriage proposals this week. The third-grader haircut doesn’t have supermodels flocking to hang out with him. And, no matter what happens on Sunday, he will always be Peyton’s little brother.