Depends on your definition of “is HGH.”

1. Mr. Clemens goes to Washington

CSPAN finally got a much needed boost in the ratings on Wednesday as Roger Clemens and his third ear appeared before some members of Congress desperate for face time. To Clemens’ right sat Brian McNamee, his former trainer and friend who was the first to bring Roger Clemens’ name into the steroids arena with his comments in the infamous Mitchell Report. We won’t fill you in on all of the details of the event, given that the hearing took about a day and a half and that ESPN will show more replays of it than that Doug Flutie Hail Mary in 1985 (we’re so sick of that f***ing play, we’ve seen it around 235,672 times. It’s just a short guy throwing a ball really far. We’ve called our cable provider and asked them to remove ESPN Classic from our list of channels).

So, needless to say, if you’re a sports fan, you will be able to quote the Clemens hearing as if it were the pledge of allegiance after a month or so of regular ESPN viewership. But, nonetheless, here are some of the highlights:

1. Roger Clemens said that there was HGH used in his household, but it wasn’t by him. It was by his wife, Debbie, who received an injection from McNamee so that she could get in shape for a Sports Illustrated swimsuit photo shoot. Clemens even went as far as to say he had no idea his wife had done it until after the fact, and made her write a statement which he read aloud to Congress detailing her use and the fact that Roger knew nothing of it at the time. In her defense, she looked pretty hot in those photos, especially for a 40+ year old.
If only those pictures had been entered as evidence, maybe congress would have legalized HGH on the spot. None of them would have to worry about the stress of having a mistress anymore, they could just give their wives some HGH for Valentine’s Day. Beyond that, Clemens repeatedly leaned on his wife’s use as a crutch, claiming that any ties to HGH in the Clemens’ household strictly through her. As he spoke, she looked like she had entered the seventh level of PMS hell, staring daggers through him. Forget sleeping on the couch Roger, or even the doghouse, she probably wanted to make him sleep at the bottom of the lake in the backyard.

2. Clemens repeatedly said that fellow pitcher and longtime friend, Andy Pettite, misremembered conversations he had had with Clemens. “Misremembered?” Is that even a word? Well according to Microsoft Word it is, but we still have our doubts. Pettite claimed that Clemens had told him that he had taken steroids and HGH in the past. Clemens claimed that he had made comments about a TV show he saw detailing older men taking HGH, giving them longer healthier lives. That makes sense, Roger, it really does. Either Pettite has a severe misremembering problem or Mr. Clemens lied straight to Congress.3. Brian McNamee, whose voice makes him sound like he just got a “new haircut,” (if you don’t know what we’re referring to, go to YouTube and search “my new haircut,” or simply go to Frat Row any night of the week, pretty much the same thing. No wonder the frats are so good at IM b-ball, have you ever gotten poked in the eye by a spike of gelled hair as you’re driving for a layup? It takes you out of your game).

But back to the point. McNamee, got grilled by Congress, and was rightfully called a drug dealer, among other nasty names.

2. Quote of the Week

In a recent AP article, little known Chicago Cubs closer Ryan Dempster, offered a stunning prediction:

“I think we are going to win the World Series. I really do…I truly believe.”

Perhaps someone should tell Ryan to check his closet where he would find a Cubs jersey hanging in the back corner. Since the Cubs’ last World Series win there have been two world wars, a moon landing, a civil rights movement, a great depression and the rise and fall of Britney Spears. We don’t think anything’s going to change this year, especially when a closer with a career 4.31 ERA suddenly thinks he’s Joe Namith.