Still excited, Stephon?

Stephon Marbury, the alleged point guard of the New York Knicks, finally showed a little optimism. We got to see him smile and display a little confidence in his team instead of what we’ve grown used to over the last few months: threatening to bribe his coach, abandoning his teammates on a road trip and selling really cheap basketball shoes that make your assist to turnover ratio plummit and don’t allow you to shoot over 30 percent from three when you wear them. No, we finally caught Stephon in a YouTube video in a good mood, ready to play solid basketball. But there’s a catch. The YouTube video was filmed last off-season, after Marbury learned that the Knicks had signed the coveted young big-man Zach Randolph from the Blazers, who by the way has a bad attitude, is a basket case and is highly overrated. Despite that, Marbury was thrilled to have the Big Pudding Cup on his team (did you like that one? We made it up on the spot. Can’t you see Randolph taking Bill Cosby’s place in Jell-O commercials?). Here’s what he said (keep in mind that as he’

s speaking he has a confused grin on his face and he is yelling at cameras and at the crowd that surrounds him like an infant who woke up to early from a nap, but was happy to find that Teletubbies was on).

“Did ya’ll see? Did ya’ll see we got Zach Randolph?  Did anybody see that? Now we got a beast to throw the ball down low to. They scared now! We got Zach Randolph and Eddie Curry! We got Eddie Curry on one side and we got a left hand, southpaw, switch it up, think he’s goin’ shoot right, but he switch it left [on the other side]. You can’t beat that. It was a power move, we got a young, youthier player with the young Zach Randolph.”

 

Everyone collect their breath. We’re going to need to break this down line by line. “Now we got a beast to throw the ball down low to, they scared now!”

What a beast, a beast that shoots 45 percent from the floor. Yikes, put away those scary claws and fangs Mr. Randolph, we bow down to your monstrous post play.

“We got Zach Randolph and Eddie Curry!” That is one of the most horrifying lines ever uttered in the English language. It’s like being excited that Ted Kaczynski and Timothy McVeigh are coming to your fourth of July party; it just doesn’t make sense. Stephon seemed pretty thrilled when he said it, but just hearing that quote will make it hard for us to sleep tonight. We will have nightmares of a seemingly 400-pound Curry trying to get back downcourt on defense while eating an entire box of doughnuts and we will sweat in our sleep when hear the ear-rattling sound of ball after ball after ball banging off the rim. Curry’s numbers this year are equally as scary, the 4^th overall pick in 2001 is averaging 13 points (ahhh!) 4 rebounds (yikes!) and .5 blocks (zoinks!) per game. “We got Eddie Curry on one side and a left hand, southpaw, switch it up, think he’s goin’ shoot right, but he switch to the left [on the other side].” How many ways can you call someone left-handed? As he said it one of his posse members patted him on the shoulder and offered the occasional (yee!), as if to say “that’s right Stephon, he is left handed, you keep tellin’ everyone how left-handed he is, and I’ll keep standing behind you and saying ‘yee!’ and taking advantage of all of your money and friendship, eventually pulling you back to the streets you fought so hard to escape, yee.” His posse member said so much by saying so little. And Stephon, I don’t think Randolph was going to confuse any NBA players with the sly use his left hand. We’re pretty sure they may have scouts in the league that would have figured that out by now, just a thought. “You can’t beat that.” Well, Stephon, it seems you can “beat that,” the Knicks are 18-39, plenty of people have “beat that.” And finally, our favorite, “We got a young, youthier player.” “Youthier?”

Did Stephen Colbert invent a new word without us knowing about it? How did it get under our noses? Does this mean that Marbury watches the Colbert report and is interested in politics? Likely, no. It seems Marbury was the one that invented the word here. And judging by the glaze over his eyes and the relaxed look of his posse, it seems some of his favorite herbs may have helped get his creative juices flowing.