LeBron’s Biggest Fan

Two nights ago, LeBron James and the Revolution (see Chappelle’s Show) strolled into Madison Square Garden to take on Isaiah Thomas and his band of flunkies (also see Chappelle’s Show). Before the game LeBron promised he would hang a 50 spot on the artists formerly known as the New York Knicks.

Of course, King James came through with his promise, delivering 50 points en route to the Cavs 119-105 win. Another ho hum night in the world of Lebron, right? Is anyone really surprised that he lived up to his word? We’re not, especially against the Knicks, who need to put a few of their players on Jarred’s Subway diet. It might help them get back and play a little transition D.

But praising LeBron and trashing the Knicks isn’t the point we’re trying to get to. The most exciting moment in the game (other than LeBron’s 40 foot three pointer at the end of the first half) came when a fan, dressed in a LeBron jersey, ran onto the court and told King James to tell him he’s his favorite player and essentially that he worships him. The fan was quickly escorted off of the court by two large white men in suits who have been working at the garden ever since the mafia fell apart years ago. It’s good that everyone can find employment in these tough economic times.

To our surprise, LeBron was pretty pleased with the accolades he received from the crazed fan who walked onto the court, and even seemed to encourage that type of behavior. Here’s his postgame reaction:

“It was a great feeling. You get a fan to come down there to express the way he feels about you…told me I was his favorite player, that never happens. I respect him, I respect his pride and for him to come out there and tell me something like that face to face, it’s the (most) unbelievable thing that ever happened to me.”

LeBron, be careful what you say. Do you want a fan in every NBA city to come up to you every game on the court? People are crazy LeBron. We know your probably not a history buff, but someone did try to kill former President Reagan because they thought it would impress Jodie Foster. There might some more crazies out there like that, you know, trying to impress Jamie Lynn Spears.

LeBron said, “It’s the most unbelievable thing that’s ever happened to me.” Really, is a crazy guy telling you you’re his favorite player really the most unbelievable thing that’s ever happened to you? How about your 100+ million dollar Nike contract, or the fact that you were drafted first overall and drew immediate comparisons to Michael Jordan? We would even bet that that halfcourt shot you hit against the Knicks is better than some kind words from a stalker. And how many ridiculously insane, Cinemax-esque sexual escapades have you taken part in? You’re telling us those aren’t the most unbelievable things that have ever happened to you? Magic Johnson had sex with five women in an elevator once, we’re sure you’ve topped that.

Bonds, Steinbrenner and Erin Andrews, oh my

1. Barry the builder?
If you are white or Asian, don’t ask Barry Bonds to build you a house, it’s just not going to happen. Some of Bonds’ sealed testimony was recently leaked, and while it provided few juicy steroid-related details, we did get to learn about the rules and regulations Bonds would impose if he were a steroid-using contractor instead of a steroid-using baseball player. Here’s a fun quote from a Q and A session with federal investigators.
Q: “With all the money you make, have you ever thought of maybe building him (former personal trainer Greg Anderson) a mansion or something?”
A: “One, I’m black. And I’m keeping my money. And there’s not too many rich black people in this world. And I’m keeping my money. There’s more wealthy Asian people and Caucasian and white. There ain’t that many rich black people. And I ain’t giving my money up. That’s why.”
First of all, that is a mentally challenged question. Second of all, why didn’t Barry just say, “it’s my money, I’m not going to build him a house, even if he is my friend.” Why did black people and white people and Asian people and Caucasian people get dragged into this hypothetical house-building scenario? Which brings us to our final question for Barry. Barry, you mention both white people and Caucasian people. Are they different? Have we been filling out our SAT bubble sheets wrong all along? If Caucasian is the only option and we are white, should we put other? We hope to hear back from Barry soon to clear up this confusion, and we’re thinking of adding a sun-room to the back of the house, hopefully he can give us an estimate.

2. The Bronx is continuing to burn
Now that George Steinbrenner has had his things packed up for him and been moved into a nursing home, where we hear he is “The Boss” of the canasta team, his son Hank is picking up right where daddy left off by throwing around money left and right (the Yankees new stadium will cost $1.3 billion) and by losing his head quicker than a bobblehead doll in an earthquake. Here’s what he said about the Red Sox:
“Red Sox Nation?” Hank says. “What a bunch of [expletive] that is. That was a creation of the Red Sox and ESPN, which is filled with Red Sox fans. Go anywhere in America and you won’t see Red Sox hats and jackets, you’ll see Yankee hats and jackets. This is a Yankee country.”
As a response, Red Sox owner John Henry has made baby Steinbrenner a member of Red Sox nation, complete with a newsletter, bumper stickers, seats at Fenway and a hat autographed by Big Papi, David Ortiz himself.
We couldn’t make this stuff up if we tried.

3. College basketball fan posterboard-sign of the week
We know, we know, you’re sick of having to read about Erin Andrews. We’ve written about her quite a bit over the last few weeks, but she is only the greatest woman alive? Do you know any other lady that could make dress pants look sexy while asking LeBron James how he reacted to the Bull’s choice to switch to a box and one zone midway through the third quarter? We didn’t think so. So, we will continue to chronicle any Erin Andrews related material that we can dig up, partially in hopes that she stumbles across a copy of the Emory Wheel and gives us a call (please, Erin, please!) Without further adieu, here is this week’s bit of Ms. Andrews news.
At the recent Kansas/Kansas State game, a Kansas fan held up a sign that highlights his appreciation for Ms. Andrews’ love of the game of hoops. It read:
“Erin Andrews loves the hardwood.”
If that doesn’t get you excited, we don’t know what will.

4. The, ‘honey I’m sorry we missed getting to the movie theater to see “Fool’s Gold” on time, there were only 40 seconds left in the game, I had no idea it would take that long’ stat of the week.
Saturday’s Georgetown-Marquette match-up proved to be a thrilling game. It did get a little slow, however. The last 40 seconds of the game took 10 minutes of real time to come to an end. If you did miss your screening of “Fool’s Gold” because the game ran long and had to see “No Country for Old Men” again instead, we salute you. It seems timeouts can save lives.

Still excited, Stephon?

Stephon Marbury, the alleged point guard of the New York Knicks, finally showed a little optimism. We got to see him smile and display a little confidence in his team instead of what we’ve grown used to over the last few months: threatening to bribe his coach, abandoning his teammates on a road trip and selling really cheap basketball shoes that make your assist to turnover ratio plummit and don’t allow you to shoot over 30 percent from three when you wear them. No, we finally caught Stephon in a YouTube video in a good mood, ready to play solid basketball. But there’s a catch. The YouTube video was filmed last off-season, after Marbury learned that the Knicks had signed the coveted young big-man Zach Randolph from the Blazers, who by the way has a bad attitude, is a basket case and is highly overrated. Despite that, Marbury was thrilled to have the Big Pudding Cup on his team (did you like that one? We made it up on the spot. Can’t you see Randolph taking Bill Cosby’s place in Jell-O commercials?). Here’s what he said (keep in mind that as he’

s speaking he has a confused grin on his face and he is yelling at cameras and at the crowd that surrounds him like an infant who woke up to early from a nap, but was happy to find that Teletubbies was on).

“Did ya’ll see? Did ya’ll see we got Zach Randolph?  Did anybody see that? Now we got a beast to throw the ball down low to. They scared now! We got Zach Randolph and Eddie Curry! We got Eddie Curry on one side and we got a left hand, southpaw, switch it up, think he’s goin’ shoot right, but he switch it left [on the other side]. You can’t beat that. It was a power move, we got a young, youthier player with the young Zach Randolph.”

 

Everyone collect their breath. We’re going to need to break this down line by line. “Now we got a beast to throw the ball down low to, they scared now!”

What a beast, a beast that shoots 45 percent from the floor. Yikes, put away those scary claws and fangs Mr. Randolph, we bow down to your monstrous post play.

“We got Zach Randolph and Eddie Curry!” That is one of the most horrifying lines ever uttered in the English language. It’s like being excited that Ted Kaczynski and Timothy McVeigh are coming to your fourth of July party; it just doesn’t make sense. Stephon seemed pretty thrilled when he said it, but just hearing that quote will make it hard for us to sleep tonight. We will have nightmares of a seemingly 400-pound Curry trying to get back downcourt on defense while eating an entire box of doughnuts and we will sweat in our sleep when hear the ear-rattling sound of ball after ball after ball banging off the rim. Curry’s numbers this year are equally as scary, the 4^th overall pick in 2001 is averaging 13 points (ahhh!) 4 rebounds (yikes!) and .5 blocks (zoinks!) per game. “We got Eddie Curry on one side and a left hand, southpaw, switch it up, think he’s goin’ shoot right, but he switch to the left [on the other side].” How many ways can you call someone left-handed? As he said it one of his posse members patted him on the shoulder and offered the occasional (yee!), as if to say “that’s right Stephon, he is left handed, you keep tellin’ everyone how left-handed he is, and I’ll keep standing behind you and saying ‘yee!’ and taking advantage of all of your money and friendship, eventually pulling you back to the streets you fought so hard to escape, yee.” His posse member said so much by saying so little. And Stephon, I don’t think Randolph was going to confuse any NBA players with the sly use his left hand. We’re pretty sure they may have scouts in the league that would have figured that out by now, just a thought. “You can’t beat that.” Well, Stephon, it seems you can “beat that,” the Knicks are 18-39, plenty of people have “beat that.” And finally, our favorite, “We got a young, youthier player.” “Youthier?”

Did Stephen Colbert invent a new word without us knowing about it? How did it get under our noses? Does this mean that Marbury watches the Colbert report and is interested in politics? Likely, no. It seems Marbury was the one that invented the word here. And judging by the glaze over his eyes and the relaxed look of his posse, it seems some of his favorite herbs may have helped get his creative juices flowing. 

Sir Charles for Governor

1. A wise political move?

It has been long rumored that Charles Barkley plans on running for governor of Alabama. He made it official last weekend in an interview with CNN’s very own self absorbed pundit (no, not Anderson Cooper, no, not Nancy Grace) Wolf Blitzer (Is that his porn name? There’s no way that’s his real name. Did he used to hang out with Vin Diesel and Carmen Electra?). In the interview Barkley declared that he would run for governor of the state where he was born.

There may be a slight problem with the timing of Barkley’s announcement. Alabama has been a red state for roughly 1,000 years, and generally where you see red states you see church steeples. Well, Barkley may have forgotten that fact when he made these comments to Blitzer:
“Everytime I hear the word conservative it makes me sick to my stomach because they’re really just fake Christians as I call them, that’s all they are…They want to be judge and jury, I’m for gay marriage, it’s none of my business if gay people want to get married, I’m pro-choice and I think these Christians say they aren’s supposed to judge other people, but they’re the most hypocritical judes of people that we have in this country. And it bugs the hell out of me that they act like they’re Christians and they’re not forgiving at all…They should read the part of the Bible where it says you don’t judge other people, they forget that one when it doesn’t fit what they want to say.”

Phew…

The Curse of the Red Hoodie

Years from now, Super Bowl XLII will be remembered not for the Giants’ huge upset over the 18-0 Patriots, not for the play in the fourth quarter in which Eli Manning transformed into Donovan McNabb, evaded three Patriots defenders (all of whom had their hands on him) then launched a perfect spiral downfield to David Tyree (David Tyree? Who?) who caught the ball on top of his head as he was falling backwards and wrestled the ball away from HGH monster Rodney Harrison (We think there was divine intervention on that play — and by divine we mean Peyton Manning intervened).

It won’t be remembered for Plaxico Burress catching a beautifully thrown fade in the back corner of the endzone, or the look on Michael Strahan’s face when he realized he finally got a ring after a stellar 16 year career (and then he almost made out with a terrified Tom Coughlin). No, it will be remembered for New England’s brilliant coach’s fatal mistake. The mistake wasn’t made when evil genius Bill Belichick opted to go for it on 4th and 13 on the 30 instead of kicking a fairly easy 47 yard field goal indoors (Belichick may loose his genius tag after that one, really, Bill, we wouldn’t even go for it in that situation if we were playing Madden, even if it was only on all-pro).

The fatal mistake was, of course, Belichick’s decision to sport a bright red hoodie to the game. All season Belichick wore a grey hoodie, and once or twice was spotted in a navy collared shirt. Either way, the colors were drab, he didn’t call attention to himself and he looked downright scary. His kids probably run and hide when he gets home from games. His usual attire matched his mortuary-worker-esque scowl that never leaves his face. In the Super-Bowl, however, the bright red hoodie made him stick out like a sore thumb. He looked more like an awkward middle schooler than Eli Manning, which is quite an accomplishment. In Eli’s post game interview he looked like he had just won his school’s rock paper scissors tournament. Belichick glowed like a pissed off candle in his red and khaki getup. It was one of the biggest gaffes in NFL coaching history. They’re holding a red hoodie bonfire next week in Boston.

Tiger Warning, Marriage Proposals and Boomer Goes Crazy

1. Mr. Perfect vs. Mr. Potato Head
Over the last two weeks, the media has descended upon Arizona for some major sporting event that’s going to be played there this Sunday. We hear it will be super (pun unquestionably intended). All week, the only question the media can seem to ask Patriots dreamy quarterback Tom Brady is, “Why are you so perfect at everything?” (Except of course for the one woman, who wore a wedding dress to a press conference and asked Tom to marry her). Wow, some guys just have it made. The last time a strange woman asked us to marry her it wasn’t because we were perfect like Tom Terrific. No, she asked because she wanted to escape harsh living conditions in Thailand, but that’s another story for another day.

Conversely, Tom’s counterpart on the Giants Peyt…we mean Eli Manning, has essentially been asked a different question by the media: “How the hell did you get here?” Manning certainly hasn’t received any marriage proposals this week. The third-grader haircut doesn’t have supermodels flocking to hang out with him. And, no matter what happens on Sunday, he will always be Peyton’s little brother.

Dana Jacobsen Should Have Been A Sailor

1. “Cold Pizza” works well for hangovers
Dana Jacobsen, host of ESPN’s morning show “First Take” and former host of ESPN’s “Cold Pizza” is apparently not a fan of the Fighting Irish. At ESPN’s roast of radio hosts Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg, Jacobsen took it upon herself not to roast everyone’s least favorite odd couple, but roast the world’s most well known religious figure instead. We can understand that Greenberg’s eyes are dreamy, Dana, but that doesn’t mean that he is Jesus. Jacobsen, who was apparently swigging vodka from a Belvedere vodka like a college girl who is about to have a rough night on frat row, took to the podium and began her own roast of Notre Dame and Christianity. She kept it short, sweet, and to the point. It went a little something like this…
“f… Notre dame”
“f….touchdown Jesus”
“f…. Jesus.”
Did we mention that ESPN is owned by ABC which is owned by Disney? Not sure if Mickey Mouse is going to be too happy with one of his employees spouting that out over national airwaves. If any of you are interested in working at ESPN, we hear that a position on the morning show just opened up.
(As a side note, we do believe that Touchdown Jesus is highly overrated.)

Populating the earth with giants

1. Happy New Year!
New York Giants tight end Jeremy Shockey has greasy hair. He is a large man whose arms are decorated in the classiest of tattoos and he would probably punch his own mother in the stomach if she looked at him the wrong way.

He’s a little more abrasive than a cactus covered in sandpaper. Which is exactly why ladies are clamoring to get a shot at a New Year’s kiss with him. Shockey is hosting a New Year’s party in New York City.

How did he choose to advertise it, inviting only the classiest ladies? On Craigslist, of course. Here is the advertisement…

“Manhattan’s hottest, newest nightclub is hosting Jeremy Shockey’s New Year’s Eve Party and we want to surround his guys with the city’s hottest girls. If you think you can dress, dance and drink the part, then please send one head and one body shot, as well as your name and contact info to brunofierce@gmail.com. Free entry and open bar all night long to the ladies we select.”

Is that a form of reverse prostitution?

“Can you drink the part?”

What does that mean?

It’s essentially asking if the girls can get so drunk enough not to remember what it was like to enjoy Shockey’s company in a hotel room after the party. This is some pretty sleazy stuff, but the e-mail address is the icing on the cake.

“Brunofierce@gmail.com.”

Wow.

Either he was conceived at a pro wrestling event and his parents named him Bruno Fierce to mark the occasion or, more likely, he is a porn star.

Have a happy New Year, ladies! Nothing like ringing in 2008 by being objectified by Shockey and his cronies.

Their New Years resolution shoud be to never again wake up next to Bruno Fierce and Shockey.

Fortunately, a few of them will likely get gobs of child support money out of the event.